Where did February go?

Monday March 1st 2021 (8.56pm)

Whilst it felt like there were 94 days in January, February felt like it was over before it began. That said, I did hit a mental slump during the month, where I felt like I had hit the deck for a week or so. A common feeling with many no doubt, with the lack of social contact, enjoyable events and lack of normality. It was the first time in the last 12 months where I felt fed up with the whole situation. I kind of got stuck in the chop, where I could have met with my bubble but did not want to. My mood, motivation and enthusiasm all social distanced themselves from me, leaving me to try and work out what was going on. I did not want to do anything apart from my exercise and be with Olly. I did not want to study, I wrote half a research paper (Sports Medicine) and I have since left it sitting as an unfinished document within Word. 

I joined a challenge at the beginning of the month which was to run 75 miles for Mind. Though I average 100 miles per month, I decided to go for 75 due to there being only 28 days to play with and not wanting any pressure to do more. I finished the challenge yesterday running 105 miles and completing 300 cycle miles on the Wattbike. I also walked a fair few with Olly dog. 

I became involved in two challenges with work. One was to run a marathon in 5 or 6 runs  (set distances) within 7 days, and the other was adding all of my miles into a collective exercise pot to win money for my force welfare fund. We are up against all of the other UK police forces and for the last couple of weeks we have been on top of the league table. Results will be announced on Friday.

I am still making my way along Route 66, and as of yesterday (Sunday) I had completed 837 of the 2278 miles (in 2 months). 

My only concern is my lack of ‘off switch’. I have either run or biked (or sometimes both) for the last 47 days without a rest day. My ‘all or nothing’ mentality is hanging around at the moment, and I don’t feel that I can give myself a day off. Don’t ask me how or why because I don’t know. I am seeing my knee surgeon next week, so maybe in the back of my head I am getting what I can in whilst I am still able. The thought of further surgery will once again spark the physical v mental debate in my head, as I wonder how long I can keep putting off the inevitable. This is not worth thinking about until any options are proposed. My ribs have still not fully healed after breaking them early in November and I am plagued by one or two other injuries which thankfully are not stopping me

I have got a medication review this month and whilst I have tried to come off my antidepressants, somewhat unsuccessfully (without my GP knowing or approval**) I have had to stay on them. My plan was to ask about coming off them, but I don’t think I am quite on top of that hill yet. Perhaps I will see where I am in another 6 months. Writing this has just reminded me about my brain activity study which I had back in December as I have not heard anything back yet. I need check to see what is going on with this. Maybe there was no activity so to speak 😊.

Nothing on the exercise challenge front this month, apart from to run 26.2 miles in March for Marie Curie. I would usually run this in a week, so I entered Olly instead. It will probably only take him 7-10 days. He will need his own medal rack at this rate.

Going back to paragraph 1 and the slump I found myself in, I am actually ok. There are no worries or concerns, it is just the peaks and troughs of living with mental distress on top of the situation and circumstances we are all in. I have had a good few days, the sun was shining on the weekend and I have not laughed as much as I have over the last couple of months.

There is finally some positivity regarding an end to ‘stay at home’, so hopefully some normal life will return on a gradual month by month basis. I found being out on the weekend a little strange as the sun brought out the people to the popular places where I either run or walk Olly. I have got so used to the simple quiet life and at times, I felt somewhat disjointed or suffocated by people being around me. I don’t like people at the best of times so being reintroduced into society will take some getting used to (it sounds like I have just been released from prison).

Take care fellow inmates.

** Please seek medical advice and support and do no try and do this yourself.

Quick update on the work situation

Thursday 11th February 2021 (9.05pm)

April 2016 

Signed off sick from work.

March 2019

It is probably easier if I start by going back to the Police Medical Appeal Board (PMAB). In short, the PMAB determines if I am unfit to perform the ordinary duties of a Constable and if my ‘unfitness’ is permanent in line with police pension regulations. Whilst the board determined that I am unfit for work, they requested more information prior to any further decisions being made. I was given a two year time frame (non paid) to undertake what was being asked of me. They diagnosed me with phobic anxiety towards the work place.

April 1st 2019

Met with my GP who referred me to see a Psychiatrist who would complete the assessment. Increased worry and stress to an already overloaded destructive mind.

May 2019

Appointment with Force Medical Advisor who confirmed unfit to return.

June 19th 2019

I met with the consultant physiatrist who agreed with the PMAB diagnosis of phobic anxiety towards the workplace.  He provided answers to all questions posed by the PMAB and importantly stated that the only thing likely to help the amount of stress, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts which I experience on a daily basis would be to remove me from the trigger, i.e the workplace. It was established that returning to the workplace would be detrimental.

July 2nd  2019

I attended a meeting with work HR and line management. Waiting for the full report from the consultant psychiatrist.

July 18th 2019

Report from Consultant Psychiatrist received, however because it did not specifically say that my condition is permanent (though evident it was in text), further clarification needed.

January 2020 

Met with a new therapist (who I continue to see today).

March 4th 2020

Updated report received from consultant psychiatrist. 

All information now obtained (from what was required by the PMAB 12 months ago).

March 2020

Possible referral back to Selected Medical Practitioner (SMP) who may be able to make a  decision regarding permanence. South Wales Police SMP declared me NOT permanent in 2018 (hence the referral through the PMAB process). A different SMP would need to be sought.

April 28th 2020 

Informed I need to be referred back to the original panel on the PMAB who I saw March 2019.

August 24th  2020

As one of the PMAB panel members is no longer available to sit on the board and the remaining panel were not able to review my case, it is back to the original plan of going back to see an SMP, or for them to paper review case. Consent given for whatever needs to be done.

September 2020 

Requested that an urgent referral to a SMP be made to get this matter expedited. File sent to SMP at another police force.

October 2020 

Out of force SMP not willing to review my case.

December 9th 2020

I am waiting to see what the next course of action is.

All I want is for someone to make a decision.

Anybody know what is going on?

December 21st 2020

The force have referred my case to a Barrister for advice / decision.

February 11th 2021

No update.

Left in limbo.

Yes, that is correct, I am off work with a mental illness.

April will mark 5 years since I went off sick.

Red January Results

31st January 2021 (5.20pm)

This year as I am not in training for anything soon I decided to approach Red January differently. With all the miles I did in December, I even thought I would take a few weeks off, or even have a Rest Every Day January. Knowing that this would not be realistic, myself and Olly dog decided to battle the 31 days out together.

The rules:

Total miles run by human 🏃🏻

Total miles run by dog 🐾

Olly’s miles would be recorded by myself, wearing my Garmin. These miles would be attributed to him and not me.

The results:

Total miles run human = 90.3 🏃🏻

Total miles run by dog = 89.2 🐾

Total miles cycled by human on Wattbike = 214.9 (this does not count)

The final results were not rigged in any way, and even though I had weekly totals, I had no idea of the winner until now.

Unfortunately for me, I have to give the gold medal to Olly, as on 1 day he went out with his dog walker (miles not counted, but he said he did 10). Also, on every walk he ran around chasing his ball whilst I mostly stood around getting his treats ready.

Not a bad start to January with 394 miles contributed to my Route 66 challenge (2278 miles).

Next up is Fit February and Olly’s Fitbark is on charge to make it fairer.

Human vs pup round 2

Driven by data. The highs and lows of chasing numbers

Tuesday 26th January 2021 (1.13pm)

The most important thing that I have learnt both physically and mentally over the last four years is don’t be driven by performance data. The multi million pound sports watch industry has boomed over recent years as people are interested in step count, pace, distance travelled, calories burned and heart rate as they strive to hit personal bests. I was introduced to such a watch 30 years ago and have been wearing one ever since. I am currently wearing a Garmin 735XT, but do I really need to?

Being a triathlete, Ironman and someone who takes part in all 3 events individually, my trusted companion has never been far from my wrist. For swimming, it counts my lengths, strokes, pace, distance and time. For cycling, it shows my speed, power,  gradient, and for running I can check out my performance condition, cadence and training effect. All of this then automatically syncs into my Garmin account, Training Peaks and Strava. This opens a whole new world into analysing performance against fatigue, training loads and projections. 

For those of you who own a smart watch, would you consider going for a swim, bike, run, (or any other activity) without one? 

No.

Why?

If it is not on Strava it doesn’t count, right?

Wrong.

In 2017 whilst training for the London marathon I was advised to ditch the watch and run for fun. This in itself was enough to raise my heart rate and show a look of panic on my face.

As a child I was very competitive, I had to be the fastest and the best. I had to win all of my races as both a swimmer and runner. Primary school sports day was all about the cup at the end (which I won every year). This continued into secondary school as I progressed through the levels of international hockey. I lost a few years due to all of my knee operations (I am in double figures) but this made me more determined to smash the goals and targets set for me. I wanted to be fitter, better and faster than ever, and every run needed to be a  personal best. I was  pushing limits and boundaries too far on a road to self destruction. I was the same academically (still am)  and in work (off with mental distress).

Little did I know that such pressure would one day be detrimental both physically and mentally. Something had to give and something had to change. My addictive behaviour  towards exercise saw me fall into the realms of self harm. 

Returning back to 2017, I did what I was told by the marathon coach (kind of). I still wore my watch but step by step I started paying little attention to it. My running changed, it became lighter, it became freer and I started noticing where I was and what was around me. I would go to parkrun and wasn’t bothered about getting a personal best. If I spent the whole run near the back talking to someone then so be it. I found something that I had never really experienced in running before and that was enjoyment. My focus had shifted.

I have been fortunate enough to run the London marathon 3 times, New York marathon,  and finish Ironman Wales (amongst many other events). I am also a holder of the London Classics Medal. The questions I am always asked is what time do you hope to finish in? or what was your time? My answers are always I don’t care, and usually I don’t know.

What I have found is that naturally I have got fitter and faster without the help of my Garmin. These days when I go out for a run, I don’t plan distance, time or route, I just put on my daps and decide when I am out of the door. How much I do is all dependant on how I feel.  I have become better at listening to my body. If I want to return home after 1 mile then I will. If I run for 9.99 miles then it must have been an ok day. When I start my watch, I will not look at it during the run (unless I get a notification). My feet and lungs determine my pace and speed. If I stop for a chat, great. If I stop to take a selfie, great. When I finish I stop my watch as it automatically uploads. It is only when I add a title to my activity do I see what I have run. It does not bother me if I stop on 4.97, or 5.99 miles. I can see how my pace has got much quicker (as an average) over the last couple of years and this has happened through running for fun.

The reason why I still wear my Garmin is because I am interested to see how far I have run or cycled (not much swimming at the moment) during a month. I make no comparisons from month to month or to other people. I also need to provide evidence for my virtual challenges. Oh, and I am also in a Red January challenge with my dog Olly.

Of course everyone has different goals and objectives. Some of you want a 5k, 10k, half marathon, or marathon PB. I have utmost respect to your commitment and drive. This works for many people. It can give training structure and is a good measure of progress,  but to me it became detrimental to my mental health.

Next time you are out running, try taking things back to basics by listening to your body rather than being a slave to your watch. You never know, it may work for you as it has done for me.

Let me know your thoughts and how you get on.

The first seven days

Thursday 7th January 2021 (7.28pm)

I know so many of you are feeling exactly the same as me about Lockdown 3. Whilst last year I seemingly breezed through it and embraced many elements of it, this time around I have no care for it. I have lost my motivation for things that I would usually love to do, and I appear to have no energy to want to do anything. There are a number of things that I want to be doing, but at the moment I am just staring at the empty page. Mood is not helped by dark mornings, evenings and cold weather outside, and after my exercise time, its back inside to try and pull my brain together to do some research that I am working on. I managed to get some done today for the first time this year.

I know what I am feeling is completely normal. The lack of adult company, socialising, seeing a way out of this situation we are in, but not knowing when, all takes its toll on us as each day comes to a stumbling halt. I have many friends who are working from home as well as home schooling trying to juggle priorities in stressful situations. I know students who have no idea what is going on with school or life at university as they worry about grades and future prospects. As for me, my courses continue online which when I can motivate myself I can do. For me, the uncertainty of my situation, plus lockdown is negatively influencing my thought processes, therefore affecting my motivation and enthusiasm. I know things will naturally work out, it is just up to me not to ruminate on stuff too much.

I didn’t set myself a physical challenge for January. I thought I would just see how things paned out. Olly, however decided to raise the bar and suggested that we compete against each other for RED January. The one who clocks up the most miles at the end of the month is the winner. For someone who can easily run 30 miles a week I agreed to his challenge. Apparently I am not allowed to count any miles for my tally when I am out with him.

After the first seven days the results are in:

Me: 19.59 miles

Olly: 20.81 miles

Enough said 😡

Olly looking smug

Keep plugging away

Saturday 2nd January 2021 (7.11pm)

First run of the year completed along the slippery pavements this morning. It was super fresh and my legs once again felt cold and didn’t want to get going. That said I did quite enjoy it, but was thankful of warm Olly cuddles and a hot shower when I got in. It wasn’t long after that I was back out with Olly clocking up another few miles. We have decided to have a competition this year to see who walks the most. So far he is winning. He must be cheating.

After returning back here from my parents at Christmas, I realised that when I was out walking or running down there I was not looking over my shoulder, or rounding the next corner in anticipation of seeing a certain someone who I did not want to bump in to. I shouldn’t feel this way but events over the last 12 months, especially during the summer still haunt the way I feel. I have spoken to my therapist about this and discussed what techniques I could rely on, but at times I struggle with this and feel emotionally scarred. In so many ways I have moved on, but for some reason this still hangs over me. I foresee some changes for me come the middle or end of the year which potentially may take me in a different direction, or even away from here.

For now, I will continue to be me, I will keep plugging away with the amazing things I have going on at the moment and most importantly continue to keep laughing with my boy Olly.

Time to get back to writing

Friday 1st January 2021 (6.44pm)

It has been a weird kind of day, not helped that I woke up in a strange kind of mood. Not sure why. New year is not my favourite time of year, it is just another day and the end of the year seems a long way off. Not sure why I am willing the year away? Nothing has changed from yesterday, we are still stuck in a global pandemic, things I am sure will get worse before they get better. I didn’t even stay up last night. No point. Olly woke up with the fireworks that was it, the arrival of 2021.

We had a lazy morning, I did some reading before we went out for a walk. My mood still as it was. Not sure how to describe it. Words such as low, sad, lonely, depressed, down, grumpy have crossed my mind, but it was none of these.

Whilst I was out walking I thought that I should write more. I think back to the days when I used to write every day. It became part of my day and it was something which I needed and in fact enjoyed doing. Feelings and thoughts would pour out of me, words would flow easy as my pen would hurriedly skim the paper in my notebook, or nosily tap the keys on my MacBook. Now I don’t seem to have the time. Of course I have time, it is just that my time is now often wasted and channelled into things which are less important. My weekly data figures ping through on my iPhone showing me that I am not using my time productively. Scrolling through social media for hours a day is not what I want to be doing. This is something which I plan on changing. Whilst is it important for me in terms of connecting with friends and the world, there will be an allocated time for it. Time to dial out and refocus my energy and efforts on me.

No running for me today, after clocking up 1195 run only miles in 2020, I thought I would start the year doing naff all. Myself and Olly walked 3.7 miles and I have spent the rest of the afternoon reading and eating. 

I will run tomorrow.

Snapshot

Thursday December 31st 2020 (5.57pm)

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, you will know that on November 30th, I posted a VLOG outlining my challenge for December. You may ask why I do these physical challenges, but for me the answer is simple. Exercise keeps my head together, lets the shit escape and puts me in a time and place where only one thing matters. 

With the cancellation of so many events this year it has probably been even more important for me to have a daily exercise focus. Like many who will read this, January started with RED (Run Every Day) January.  (Running can be replaced with any form of activity) and during these 31 days I managed to run 121 miles. Mentally, I wasn’t in a great space and running gave me the out that I needed. I was still having counselling through MIND and had a number of sessions with a private therapist who I am still in contact with today.

As the months rolled on and COVID took hold, I was forced to think about more important things as lockdown became (and still is) a major turning point and focus of our lives. I suddenly could not meet up with family and friends, I could not just get in the car and go anywhere and holidays were not going to happen. As I listened each day to the 5pm briefing, the impact of the virus across the UK became a stark reality as the death toll began to rise. I have written previously how COVID changed many things for me, most of which are positive. What never changed was my running, as I continued to clock up the miles whilst enjoying the quietness around me and the freedom of the roads.

On May 4th I stood on the virtual start line in Lands End, ready to run the 874 miles to John O Groats (in 6 months). I have absolutely no idea how I managed to run 162.93 miles in May, alongside painting every wall of the house that I was due to move into at the end of the month, walking Olly, and my university course. I entered another virtual challenge in June, this time running the 870 miles around the Welsh coastal path, with one year to complete. I reached John O Groats Sunday 11th October, and as I write this I have 69 miles to go on the Welsh coastal path. During October, I also completed my 3rd London marathon.

Academically, I finished my Post Graduate Diploma in Medicine (sport and exercise) and I am currently working on 3 other qualifications, which form project 21 (more on this again).

November put a temporary stop / slow down to exercise after coming off my road bike on 7th which required a visit to hospital a few days later with breathing difficulties and broken ribs. Not to be sidelined for too long I started back on the Wattbike (trying not to move or breathe). It was something that I needed to do mentally rather than physically, and it certainly helped. It was here I started to think about plans for December and setting myself a challenge. I had seen the 12Ks of Christmas advertised on social media, but I decided to spin this idea and came up with 400Ks of Christmas.

Firstly I do not work in kilometres, so I had to think in miles then convert, and secondly I had to think what I could do with broken ribs.

I came up with a running target of 161km (100 miles) and cycling on a Wattbike for 239km (149 miles). Unfortunately, due to new lockdown rules my access to the Wattbike stopped on 19th December. I was well on target to complete this part, but ended up finishing short on 200km (124 miles). Thankfully, my own Wattbike will be arriving early in the new year so more cycling challenges to come.

Today, I did my last run of the year (with my bubble buddy), taking my monthly total  to 162km (100.88 miles). Mission complete I would say.

As January comes around again tomorrow, I think ahead to new ideas and challenges. My ribs have not completely healed, pain still catches me now and again so I will probably stay off the road bike a little longer. Maybe I will do RED January again but this time REST EVERY DAY!

On a personal level, so many new and wonderful people have come into my life. I have made so many new friends through social media, some who I have become very close to. When the likes of Twitter and Instagram are used as intended it can open up so many avenues and friendships. During times of lifted restrictions I have met with a few people which is something that I would have struggled to do earlier on in the year. There have also been a few dates in the mix 😊. 

Medically, I had my MRI scan for my knee in December (which was postponed from March), and I am currently awaiting results of a brain study. Mentally, I am currently on steady ground, and as always extremely grateful for my support bubble around me. 

Olly continues to be his mad little crazy self. Our bond is inseparable as his instagram  has turned him into a mini celeb. He even acts like a diva at times. I hope he understands what he does for me as he sits close to me twitching in his sleep with his legs in the air. 

I am not one for new year sentiments, in fact I hate it; but as I look back on 2020 I got lucky in many ways. My friends and family have remained healthy and I have continued to develop and grow in different ways. To those who have lost, suffered, or struggled my thoughts are with you. I have no idea what 2021 will bring, no doubt we (collectively) will be tested and challenged. 

Whatever is thrown your way look after yourself and stay safe.

Georgie and Olly xx

Injured

Sunday 15th November 2020 1.43pm

This blog focuses on using exercise as a therapy for mental wellbeing, something which has been put to the test this week. For those who follow me on my social media platforms you will know where I am coming from here.

It has certainly been an eventful 8 days which has reinforced the need for me to slow down, breathe (literally try to) and embrace patience. After my accident last Saturday (where I came off my road bike), the stubbornness in me tried to carry on with as much as I could, but as I was continually beaten back physically, I had to reflect on what my body needed, rather than what I wanted for it. Whilst I kept telling myself that my rib injury was soft tissue, I had a niggling doubt, that maybe it was a break. As I lay in bed Tuesday evening, a loud crack which caused me to metaphorically hit the ceiling confirmed my suspicion. As I lay there wondering what my next move was, or how even I was going to execute this move all I was concerned about was not being able to do any sort of training for a few weeks.

Picture taken not long after fall

I tend not to keep any pain killers in the house and will only get if absolutely necessary. We know that I am impulsive and have pre cons (previous convictions 😂) for overdosing. At 0315 on Wednesday morning, I took my first 2 tablets since my epic fail. On 0850 I made the phone call the local health board for advice due to difficulty in breathing. As a result, a hospital appointment was made for later that day. As I waved Olly dog off on his holiday, I first made my way to see my therapist, which somewhat ironically and perhaps conveniently was made the week before.

Therapy

After not seeing my therapist since early September, there were a few things that I needed to work over with her, in particular something which had been bothering me for some time and I was unsure on how to best deal with it. This problem was starting to become toxic to me as I felt it poison my brain and negatively impact on where I was each day. Apart from exterminating the problem (not an option), I needed to find a way to deal with it as all I wanted to do was run away from it. Sorry if this appears vague but it would not be right to mention the problem here.

It took a few words from my therapist, and a pointer in the right direction to put me on track as to what I needed to do and where I needed to be. Simple words seemed easy to turn a problem around (in theory anyway) but since Wednesday I have had the opportunity to put it into practice and so far so good. As usual, the hour seemed to fly by as we bounced from work topics to dogs, to exercise, to my dating life (that took most of the hour) and any other random stuff. I left the session with a solution. Next up was a trip to the hospital.

Hospital

This was the first time stepping into a medical building since COVID and it was only by chance that I saw a few weeks ago that you could no longer just arrive at A&E without booking (of course there are circumstances where you can, and I am sure people would not be turned away). First up was a temperature check (35 degrees) and a sticker telling me this stuck on my top.

Temperature sticker 🥶

After booking in I sat in the minor injuries waiting area with at least 30 other people. With my mask on, I found a hard plastic seat to wait keeping my distance from sick people. Whilst everyone had their heads in their phones, I scanned the room and started noticing people’s temperature stickers. I had only been there 3 minutes and I was bored already. I was also officially the coolest person in the waiting room. Next up was a game of guess the injury or illness, which was really not that difficult when people either had their foot exposed and a bruised ankle, or a bandage holding their finger on. This was going to be a long afternoon. Like everyone else, I then turned my attention to my phone, read the news, checked emails, looked through social media and read an article on ‘Medial gastrocnemius tears in sports: is it about muscle, aponeurosis or tendon?’ Yep, this is how I roll.

I left the hospital approximately 3 hours later having been seen by the nurse and the Dr and treated for a broken rib. Thankfully no damage caused to lung. I was given strict instructions to deep breathe and cough, otherwise there is a risk of picking up a chest infection. I am still having difficultly in doing both. Due to having an allergy to codeine, combined with my current medication, and it being after hours in the hospital for the pharmacy, I could not be giving much more than Ibuprofen (which I bought in Tesco). Due to the amount I have to take, I was also given pills to stop stomach complaints or ulcers forming.

Today

Whilst I am still in pain I feel that I am getting around better and feel more comfortable. Today, I managed a training session. It wasn’t much, it was 30 minutes of very light cycling on the Wattbike. My aim was to try and breathe normally, but without forcing effort. I think I managed ok. Going back to my first paragraph, I did not exercise today for any physical gain. For me it was for the mental benefits. Just putting on my PE kit and doing something is massive for me. I know it has only been a week without exercise, but for me that is a lot. I plan to give it another go tomorrow.

For now it is about taking it easy physically, allowing myself time and space to mend. Progress is progress right. No matter how small.

There are a few people who kept me entertained whilst I sat in the waiting room of doom. Special thanks to E, H, and to my personal medic J who makes sure that I take my drugs and do my breathing exercises everyday. Lastly, to Michele, who has told me a number of times today to cough and sigh (and I haven’t) 😮

Thank you xx

Wattbike day 😁

Racing head

Monday 26th October 2020

I have often written about thought processes and how they can dominate feelings and emotions; especially those which are negative and unwanted. Thoughts continually spin around despite our efforts in controlling how they feed rumination especially in conditions such as anxiety and depression. The neurotransmitter neural highway, likened to wires feeding electricity into a powerful substation. Wires which fire off in different directions to ensure that power is effectively and efficiently supplied to keep vital systems going. Where a power station will have a back up system to keep running if a failure occurs, what can be said of our brains?

Do we have neurological back up systems? Perhaps too deep a question for the here and now, but what I am asking is this. What is your back up system when your brain and thoughts take over? What do you do when your thoughts are racing in the middle of the night when all you want to do is sleep? What do you do when your cognitive thinking influences your physiology, such as causing an increase in breathing rate? How do you slow your thinking down? How do you control what feel like leeches draining the life out of you mentally?

Where do you turn and what you do?

Most of us will have an answer to this and the reason for this blog is to share what you do with others.

What prompted me to write this, is this is how I felt last night. I finished up reading a book in bed before shutting off the light. It was then that my head not just went into overdrive, but somehow managed to find that extra gear as it increased speed and fired off into directions and areas which were unknown to me. I lost my way and grounding as my thoughts spun out of control. I was ok, I was safe and there were no concerns in that respect. I now know they are just thoughts and I do not react in ways that I used to.

What had caused this, where had these thoughts come from and what were they of? My usual ‘go to’ at that time of night is writing, but last night this was not going to work. Instead, I used Twitter as a platform, where people replied with strategies of what worked for them. Apps such as Headspace, breathing techniques and You Tube were kindly suggested and what works for one person, may not be suitable for another. I find listening to Olly breathing and doing little snores quite therapeutic, but last night he was not making a sound. I was that wired I wanted to try and outrun my head but I could not do that, so instead I lay there with my hand on Olly’s chest. I eventually matched his breathing rhythm and managed to slow mine down.

We do not all have an Olly, so if you have any tips which could help others let me know. You can either post openly on feed or message me. I can then make a list to chuck out there for others to read.

xx