6/10 – Alarm set for 5am for early swim, I ended up smashing a mini triathlon. Knees are still painful when running. I have a counselling appointment at 2.30pm and I am currently trying to make arrangements to see my line manager as I am concerned about my return. I feel in limbo as to where I maybe based.
The rest of my day turned into an emotional rollercoaster. I made a decision in my head this morning to tell ‘A’ that by us messaging and seeing each other is not helping us to move forward. I know this will be difficult as I am lacking any sort of strength. I met with ‘A’ and we discussed a number of things and the irrational side of me said that I would organise getting a divorce. Simply, it comes down to wanting different things and heading in different directions. Old things were brought up which reminded me of my failings so I walked out of the coffee shop.
I drove the 20 miles to meet up with a friend before counselling in tears. My thoughts were negative and all I could think about was doing something stupid like driving my car in to a lamp post. I am glad I met up with a friend but I did not want to talk about what had just happened as I did not want to be upset.
At counselling I spoke about what happened this morning with ‘A” and I talked about my level of exercise and how I felt like I was hitting self destruct to self harm. Alternatives and suggestions were discussed but I was not interested and as I do not care I am happy to carry on this way. I know I could possibly regret this in later life as my knees completely pack up. The counsellor asked me if I was eating and I explained that last week I did not want to eat and I felt like going on a hunger strike. I still do but I am always hungry these days (due to the training). This is apparently a classic sign of depression.
I popped into the office at 4pm and had a chat with my line manager. I explained how I felt last week but have since made a slight improvement. I said that I would like to return to work at the end of this sick certificate. Great support offered and the plan is for me to return to my normal role.
I have kept myself busy this evening and I have planned when to do my Action for Living course and Stress course. I would say at the moment my mood is 3/10 but I have to admit that earlier it was lower. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.