Honest conversations

Tuesday 20th September 2016 (4.46pm)

6/10 – I did not really know what to expect this morning when the man who had been appointed by my insurance company (sickness policy) arrived to do his assessment. He was a qualified psychiatric nurse / therapist but now works in the insurance business. In the 3 hours that he was with me, it was probably one of the best counselling sessions that I have ever had. He was pretty quick to ‘get me’ and said that issues stem from unresolved anger and unfulfilled potential, of which go way back. I don’t know where this stems from. As a child I was not naughty, by that I mean I did not get into trouble with the police. I had the odd telling off in school due to being cheeky and I would get sent to my room (only to escape through the window). I guess I was just an active kid who wanted to be out playing or winning sports days. I was probably a bit of a nightmare at times 🙂

Anyhow, the insurance man said that it would be useful if I spoke to a specialist therapist. I cannot recall the speciality, but there are not many of them in the country and one would assist me because I am ‘hard work’ (which I have aways known). Apparently these therapists work on extracting issues through their way of questioning. I am someone who does not usually offer information unless directly asked because I simply don’t know where to start or what to say.

It has been said of me before, but I am guarded and my barriers do not let people in. Do I not want to show weakness? Do I not want to show any vulnerability? Am I afraid of emotion?

It was interesting that he picked up on the anger because it is true. My anger is not directed at people; it is towards myself, be it by punishing myself through exercise, or the want to hurt or harm myself. I become angry with myself quite often, even when in bed, which can trigger the overwhelming need for me to put on my PE kit and just run as fast and as far away as I can. From what I do not know. My head maybe? But that will follow me!

The man also picked up on my anger about my unfulfilled potential which impacts on my career and the direction where I perhaps see myself going. It is not where or what I thought it was. I explained for the meantime my priority was getting myself well before making any decisions.

I did not make it to the gym as planned as my head needed a break! I have a lot to think about and I need to be honest with myself. If I am to get through this then I have to open up (wo)man up, don’t be afraid of emotions and deal whatever comes my way head on.

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