Live Blog Sunday 8th October 2017 (7.56am)
I am in bed writing this off my phone so no doubt some errors may jump out at you. Why do I feel the need to write now? I have been awake for hours, my head is busy, angry and frustrated and sometimes the only way to get it out is by heavy hand typing (or exercise). There have been conversations held over the last 5 or 6 weeks which have been playing on my mind and have upset my equilibrium so to speak. Until this time I was ‘plodding along’ ok, struggling but managing. I had started to find some sort of balance between work and brain. Unfortunately after being back in work for 2 months things fell apart for me resulting in going back on the sick. I really tried but for reasons I won’t go into here I knew I had to make a decision for me and my welfare. There are a number of implications which have dropped out of this decision. The logistics and practicalities of half pay this month and zero pay from next month adds to the weight of an already troubled mind. I have coped before with amazing support from family and you cannot put a salary on ones health.
Another implication is my ‘all or nothing personality’ and the way I hit self destruct to hurt or harm myself. As a result, two weeks ago tomorrow I stopped talking my anti depressant medication. Yep, 60mg of Fluoxetine down to a big fat no drug ! Before you yell at me or your screen I know this is totally wrong and I would be seriously talking to people if I knew they had done it. My brain gets this but does not listen to or reason with sense once it ‘goes off on one’. I know Fluoxetine has a slow release so the cold turkey effect is likely to be different to many other medications. This simply means that any side effects, if any are not so pronounced or may even take longer to be become apparent. The tiredness and headaches I was experiencing whilst on them were getting to be unbearable. Has this changed? No not really! There are certain things now which I am starting to notice. Coincidental or not:
1. Busy / active brain (which had calmed down)
2. Irrational thinking and behaviour
3. Disturbed sleep
4. Vivid dreams
5. Anger and frustration
6. Pronounced disappointment
7. Emotions have returned
To any rational person the answer is simple. ‘Take your meds’. Nope! I know what the main trigger is for this and I will continue in this way (for now at least). I am not writing this for attention or to be told off, I know many of you out there have been, or are in such circumstances. You are not alone. I may seem to have it sorted with my blog, my popular social media, my running crew and smiley face but I haven’t. Deep down you will find someone who is perhaps coming to terms with a disappointed reality of a journey and a 30 year career I thought I was on.
Anyhow, on to some more positive stuff and what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. Today I am heading to Bournemouth where I will be sharing my experiences of mental health talking at the university tomorrow. I then head to London to The Palace for a Royal Banquet to mark World Mental Health day on Tuesday. I am so proud to have been recognised by the Royal Foundation and Heads Together for the work and campaigning I do around speaking up about mental health, especially as a police officer.
I will keep you updated with how things go over the next few days. Thanks for listening xx