Monday 20th March 2017 (11.50am)
1/10 – I am sat here in Costa, my mood is really low and I feel I need to disconnect from the world, by this I mean my phone where I have no quick access to social media or messages. My life is a rollercoaster of emotion and today I feel overwhelmed and panicky. I want to step away from the busyness in my head and look at what is important. ME! The last two weeks have not been easy with the stresses of work, Olly has been poorly which has resulted in worry and a number of vet visits and the decision which I have to make about my frozen embryo (to keep or destroy) will have to be made soon. I am in limbo with regards to where I am heading professionally and I feel exhausted. I have also neglected my training schedule as I feel too tired.
On the weekend I was away in Dol-Y-Gaer in the Brecon Beacons filming. The weather was rubbish, my mood was crap, I slept on a bunk bed, shared shower and toilet facilities and ate school dinners. I like my luxury but I enjoyed it.
On Saturday morning, we went for run. I found this very hard. My head was not in it, my legs would not run and I felt like I was going backwards. It was a chilled out, slow paced run where we stopped for pictures along the way. I had to walk some of the run and we did not even go that far. My body did not want to function physically or mentally.
At the end of the run, Nick was standing there with the camera crew. I met with him and cried. That was the first time I cried to camera. I could not hold my emotion in. Nick comforted me, he knew and understood what was going on in my head. He knew the battles I was facing both in work and privately. I could not have asked for better support from him, the crew and my fellow runners at the time. We have such an incredible bond.
After lunch we headed off for a walk / hike in the Beacons. I wanted my own time and space, and had that but also engaged with the others as we walked for what seemed like a few hours. Thankfully the rain had stopped. When we got to the top of the mountain, I did another interview to camera. I was asked how I felt. I remember saying that I wanted to take a running jump off the edge of the cliff behind me.
I enjoyed Saturday evening, after dinner, I sat with the others in the communal area having a laugh. If I had a TV in my room I would not have stayed up, but rather than having thoughts going around in my head I socialised and had fun.
Yesterday we were going to take part in some outdoor activities but the weather was awful. Typical of the time we film in Wales. We had an input from our nutritionist and talks around handling press and social media. Throughout the weekend my mood was low but I am so glad of the people around me and the support I received.
As for today, I had my Stage 1 sickness meeting. I was not in the mood for talking. I explained how I had been feeling, including the fact that I wanted to run and jump off the edge of a mountain and that I had not been good. I was given a return to work date for 6 weeks time. I said that I would be led by professionals and based on recent feelings and suicidal thoughts it was unlikely that I would be returning. If I do not return then I will progress to stage 2 of the unsatisfactory attendance procedure.