Wednesday 17th May 2017 (2.15pm)
Yesterday I would have scored my mood as a 2/10 as I did not want to ‘people’. I was in a really bad mood, aggressive and irritable. I had no patience and did not want to speak to anyone, so I didn’t unless someone spoke to me at the gym.
Today, I feel better, I am not as moody or destructive and I have been more sociable (only a little bit). I had an early GP appointment and I handed in all of my unused medication. Over the years with all of my knee operations I have been given tablets such as Naproxen, Tramadol and other codeine based drugs which I have been unable to take due to them making me feel unwell (later established codeine allergy). All of these pills, of which there were just under 200 were tucked away in a cabinet in my bathroom. I have never been able to discard these as I called them my ‘comfort blanket’.
There have been times when I have ‘gone off on one’ grabbed some packs and gone off in the car. My intention was always to take them but by the time I had arrived somewhere I could never bring myself to do it. I would think of the times when I would walk out of the apartment just leaving ‘A’ sitting there powerless as to what to say or do. I was uncontrollable when the ‘switch’ went in my head. Again it was that irrational behaviour which I could not deal with. Nothing really would bring it on, apart from seeing frustrations in myself which I was unable to deal with. My GP and counsellor have been telling me for a while to get rid of the drugs just in case the impulsive me took over. Today, I finally gave them up, many of which were years out of date. I generally don’t keep much in the way of pain medication in the house so if I was going to go down this route, more planning would now have to be involved. I need to go back and see GP in 2 weeks time.
I had a phone call from my DCI to say that my stage 2 meeting is arranged for 1pm next Monday. I suggested his office as the location to get me into the work environment as I thought it may help. I feel ok about the prospect of work at the moment but this can fluctuate massively.