Monday 28th May 2017 (no time recorded)
Things have been going really well for the first time in ages. Over the past few days, I have felt positive, my head seems to be in a better place and I appear to be more focused and alert. On Friday I had went out cycling (on the hottest day of the year) and met a friend for lunch. I did a park run on Saturday but I have done no exercise over the last two days.
I feel strange this evening. I have made a decision about my frozen embryo and that is to have it destroyed. I posted the letter confirming this earlier on. If I had £325 then maybe I would have kept it, but I simply do not have that type of cash for a decision I am 90% certain about anyway.
There are a number of reasons why, but simply it is because my life has changed. The baby was planned under different circumstances. I no longer have that life of a relationship and stability (if I was ever stable). I am sad about it, but I had to think reality and if I could cope on my own. Would I have always been reminded of what me and ‘A’ went through? I also could not afford to bring up a child on my own. I may not be on my own forever, but such reasons, along with others helped me to shape my decision.
I hope I do not live to regret this decision. Had I been younger then maybe things would have been different. I feel empty at the moment, to think of poor little Frosty being thawed out. Memories flood back of what me and ‘A’ went through; the happiness, the joy, the laughter, the excitement and then of course the grief and the hurt. As it is a bank holiday, I doubt the post would have been collected this afternoon. If it means that much to me and I change my mind over night then I will ring the clinic tomorrow.
Apart from the way I am currently feeling, I have been floating around at an 8/10.