I have not written for a while as I have had no motivation or emotion to do so. Mood has been quite flat and I have felt that I have had nothing to say. Not sure why I feel the way I do. I guess that is the nature of the beast.
I sit here in the lounge at David Lloyd having just completed a 2000m swim and a 45 minute run. I felt distracted during my training as I have things on my mind. I saw my GP this morning and my medication has been increased (it is being done in stages for medical and safety reasons to ensure that I can tolerate it). Appointment went fine and I will not see her now until after Christmas.
I collected my medical report written by the Psychiatrist who I saw 13th December last year. I requested it for work purposes. It confuses me how two Psychiatrists can have massively differing opinions. Granted they are written 10 months apart but their conclusions could not be more different. Whilst report 1 (December 2016) states that I am not suffering from a severe mental illness but refers to an adjustment disorder without persistent depressive symptoms; report 2 (October 2017) concludes that I have complex and severe PTSD and severe depression.
The problem I have, as previously described is that my intellect and my emotions function on a different level. They do not work together. In appointment 1, I sat there and felt like an intellectual robot as if I knew the answers but could not relate them to me or the way I was feeling. Perhaps I played down the way I was feeling as I did not want to be labelled or I was scared to be diagnosed with a mental illness. I spoke about how things were and I was intellectually able to describe and articulate things. I distanced myself from the real me.
Ten months on and things have changed. I am more open and honest about my mental health. I can talk about it and by the time I saw Psychiatrist 2 I felt like a different person. By this I mean that I did not care about labels and just needed to be me. On that day I was. Whilst I still think I am talking about someone else, it was still me. I was asked questions which I have not been asked before, I completed questionnaires which I have never competed and after two hours felt mentally drained.
I am not the professional but two differing opinions could massively influence my future career. Unfortunately, my honest, intellectual and emotional head tends to agree with report 2. This maybe more damming for me in terms of diagnosis and future but that’s how it is.
I have spoken to my federation rep this morning and I will send the report to her for FMA and HR attention. Due to the discrepancies a further opinion may be sought. In the meantime I am still in limbo with where I stand in relation to policy and unsatisfactory attendance procedures.