When I woke up this morning I had no idea what I was going to do with my day; but what I did know was that I was going to write. I sometimes get these urges to spill it out and I am aware that I have been quiet on my blog lately but I have kept my social media active.
My Ironman training programme today said that I was to do a 2 hour road ride. Relatively easy for me, when last year I was clocking up 5/6 hours on a regular basis. I don’t usually get beaten by my head with training but today, it overruled. The weather wasn’t great but I have been out in worse, any excuse not to go. Instead today was a day where I went with the flow which resulted in two beach walks with Olly and friends and some down time. Do I feel bad about not doing my bike ride? Yes, but not half as bad as what I would have 12 months ago.
2017 has been a life changing year in many ways. I am not going to sit here and reflect too much but I am proud of what I have achieved. The success of Mind Over Marathon was incredible. I can count myself as someone who has run and completed the London Marathon and I have been fortunate to chat to The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry on a number of occasions. Being open and honest about my mental health has given me so many opportunities and of course to top it off ‘A Special Recognition Award’.
My blog has gone from to strength and I am encouraged and overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received. This was not expected. I am humbled by the many new people who I have met on my journey and who I can now can call friends. On the flip side, I have been left disappointed by certain things and people; which has made me reflect on life and what and who is important.
Olly continues to be a massive strength in my life. If it was not for his crazy ways, cute looks and cheeky personality bringing others into my path and a new purpose for me then I would have been a lonelier person. As he runs around the room chasing his ball and doing my head in, I know that I could not be without him.
As for work, I am still off, stuck in between medical reports and Psychiatric assessments to determine if I will be referred to the SMP process (where a decision will be made on whether my illness is temporary or permanent). I should know more about this in the next few weeks. I do not know about a return to work as yet (one of my reports indicates that I am likely to end my life should I return to the police force – this I cannot disagree with). This year I tried on two occasions to return, one return last 2 days, the other 2 months – both times I noticed a marked decline in my mental health). People ask if I am going to stay in the police or what would I do otherwise. The answer to the first part is I really do not know, the next few months will be critical with some decisions to be made. The second part of the question is something with less stress 🙂
I continue to be supported by my amazing GP and I am on my 5th anti depressant. I am no longer having counselling and I have my last session of CBT on Wednesday.
Who knows what will happen in 2018. I hate New Years Eve and I am not into all of this resolution crap. Tomorrow is just another day and I have a run to do and a dog that needs walking.
I have things planned in 2018, once again I am running the London Marathon for Heads Together. I am taking part in my first Ironman and I will also chuck in some other events along the way. I will continue to write and be inspired by you all.
Mentally, each day is different and I deal with it as best I know how. Two years ago tonight I could have wondered into the middle of nowhere, but I remember taking down my Christmas tree and chatting to a friend via text. Last year was not as grim, but like this year it is just me and Olly.
I can see where I have made improvements in my health, even though I had a ‘blip’ back in October which resulted in a visit to A&E. I am hoping that those days have passed, but that is the downside with this beast as you never know when it will come up and bite you on the ass and push you over the edge. How am I feeling now? Okay, I have Antiques Roadshow on the TV (FML) and a tub of chocolates next to me. Olly has just jumped onto the sofa and is cwtched in beside me. What else do I need?!
Thanks again for sticking by my moans and moods. I will continue to be grumpy in 2018. Whatever your plans look after yourself and stay safe.