Thursday 8th March 2018 (8.51pm)
2/10 – No other words for it, today as been utter shite and I have not felt like this for a long time. It started at around 1 am when I was wide awake planning on just taking Olly and going somewhere for a few days where I could not be contacted. I have planned this before and I was logistically working things out on how not to be found.
Then reality kicks in, I look at Olly who is horizontally stretched out on my king size bed, so I am falling off the edge (literally). As he sleeps, I listen to his breath and the cute noises he makes and for that moment in time, I am reminded of the joy he brings and my responsibility towards him. I think of family and friends worrying.
I am impulsive, I have written about this before and this is where danger lies for me. The switch in my brain goes from rational to irrational in a split second. There is no immediate middle ground. The middle ground comes afterwards, when I somehow have reframed my brain. This can take a while. It is what goes on in this ‘heightened’ state that concerns me and for all of the health professionals I have met. The switch will always be there, and no amount of mindfulness or CBT will work in such circumstances. Something does work though. At the moment it is Olly.
I have no idea what time I got to sleep. I know I did, because I am getting the weirdest dreams. Olly then woke me up at 7am sneezing in my face. This is his thing and it means that it is time to get up human. Thanks Olly.
I felt lost this morning. I had no training planned. It was a rest day. I could not cope with it being a rest day, so I packed up my swimming kit and had some Olly time. It was like he knew something was up as he did not want me to go. Olly was going out with the dog walker so I knew I could just go and hide somewhere, knowing that he was cared for and having fun.
My head was all over the place, at 9 am I made the 20 minute drive to the pool. I did not even know if I was actually going to the pool. I was toying with going to the supermarket, buying wine and pills and going somewhere. I don’t even like wine. I don’t even drink FFS. What the hell was my head doing? I was even wondering if I would get through the tills with what I had in my basket. I had my story ready. I don’t look like someone on a mad mission. I was dressed in sports kit which costs more than my monthly mortgage and I can talk a good game. Once again, scheming and planning.
The fitness freak and alcohol hater got the better of me and at the last moment I turned off into the swimming pool car park. I messaged a friend who I had pencilled in to meet at lunchtime and said I would not be there then turned off my phone (something which I never do). I went swimming.
Afterwards I went to the nearby Starbucks and turned on my phone. Social media notifications, emails, message beeped through and one in particular caught my eye. It was on Twitter from one of my followers saying that I should have been in the top 10 list of 100 most inspirational women which was on Wales on line. Such a lovely thing to say from someone who I had never met, this got me all emotional. Thank you Jackie x
On leaving Starbucks I had no idea where I was heading. Phone had been turned back off and thoughts still all over the place. I still could not get this alcohol thing out of my head. I had to head down the retail park to Next, knowing that if I really wanted to I could walk in to the Asda next door.
It was then my day took on a different direction. Kind of like a sliding doors moment. I went to Next before Asda and whilst there a lady came up to me and said,
‘Hi, you used to go to the gym, I saw you on the TV. I said to my husband that it was you and he said …. No, it was you wasn’t it, on Alfie’s Angels?’ I laughed, explained that she was half right but it wasn’t Alfie’s Angels.
I recognised the lady as we always used to chat when I was a member of a gym that I have now moved on from. It must be more than 5 or 6 years since I have seen her, yet for about 15 minutes there we were standing by the shoes in Next talking about mental health and our experiences of depression.
At the time, this just felt like an incredible meeting. I don’t believe in fate yet by seeing and chatting with Pam my mindset shifted. I was not out of the woods yet but I knew that my feet were on firmer ground. Phone still off I headed home to my boy. Thanks Pam x
Returned home – checked phone …. beep, beep, beep… notifications galore. Phone straight back off. I could not cope with nice messages. People know me, they know when something is up. Apart from Twitter this morning and only now a quick look on Facebook I have avoided all forms of social media. Usually by now I have chucked a couple of pictures on Instagram and some random crap on Twitter.
Now I am doing ok, I am safe, Olly is snoring beside me. I have had some messages back and forth with friends and I have plans for tomorrow.
After posting this I am off to bed and wont be going anywhere until the crazy one sneezes on my face in the morning. Thanks Olly x