Thursday 5th April 2018 (10.48am)
I am sat in Starbucks having just done a tired effort 1600m swim (half of what I had planned). I woke up and just knew today was going to be one of those days where I could easily just hide away at home and do nothing. Physically perhaps this is what I need after my 19.7 mile run on Tuesday. Staying home watching the Commonwealth games would only have messed up my head so I knew I had to get out and do something. I feel that I have to push myself to the limits in order to succeed. I am currently writing a blog on ‘perfectionism’ and what I have learnt through therapy, it is scary how the traits resonate with my behaviour. What I have to do is reign this back in and learn to deal with things which may not go to plan. Is it such a big deal if I miss a swim session to chill out? No it is not, but try telling my messed up head that.
I had plans for today, but at the moment I cannot see me fulfilling them. Nothing big, just continuing with my book chapters and heading down to work to meet up with friends and sort out my expenses. Today is a can’t be bothered day. My mood is too shit. I hate this feeling, it is like I fall back into a dark place where negativity rushes through my brain space. ‘You will not finish the marathon, you will bomb out of Ironman Wales, in fact why are you bothering, you are writing a book – what?’ These are just some of the things which I deal with, not just today.
Physically and mentally, I feel off track, off course, heading for the bunker on the 18th hole when I had one hand on the trophy. I dig for the ball like I dig into my head for the strategies and coping mechanisms which I have l learnt.
It has been exactly two years since I first walked out of work. How did 2 weeks sick leave become 2 years? Time which has been eaten up in GP appointments, therapy, courses and medication.
I am ok, today is just one of those days. It will pass. I will ride it out. Olly will make sure of that.