Sunday 29th April 2018 (11.12am)
I will never understand depression, once I thought I did but now I am not so sure. It is like the devil, when things are going seemingly well there is an attack telling me I am not supposed to be happy. Not supposed to move on, stuck in a situation which is hard to deal with. I am going through change and a period of instability. In less than 3 weeks I will know what is going on with my job within the police. There is a distinct possibility that I will be medically retired. Whilst I have accepted this, I still feel vulnerable at the moment. Friday night is evidence of this.
I am still in therapy and still on my medication. This week I have my regular session with Mind and my 3rd counselling session through the NHS. I thought I was done with counselling but it transpires that I am not. Looking at things with a fresher head and new perspective has helped and it is good that I have the extra support over the next few weeks. My GP is always on hand but I do not have to go as regularly as I did. My head is busy, it will not switch off. The headaches are back but I know the reasons for this.
Please don’t think I am that low, I am not. I have a lot going on at the moment compounded by the fact that I am also going through a divorce. ‘They’ say as one door closes another door opens and I am confident of this both personally and professionally. It’s time to move on. It’s time for a fresh start and new beginnings. It has taken over 2 years but I finally feel ready. Ready to have that real smile back on my face, ready to see what my future is all about.
I have plans, plans which excite me, plans which involve me being me and doing what I want to do and when. Plans which may not make me the big bucks but I am not about that anymore.
My training is still a big part of my recovery as I reflect on last week’s London Marathon and prepare for the next event. I feel physically and mentally drained and my coach is allowing for time out and easier sessions over the next few weeks. I am grateful for this. Soon I will also be taking time away to concentrate on my book away from day to day distractions.
Time for me.