Thursday 27th September 2018 (1.11pm)
Participating in events takes me away from reality. It puts me in a time and space away from the real world. A world where things are about enjoying the moment around you, being out in the fresh air with other likeminded people achieving a goal whatever that may be. For me training is the same, it provides a stimulus which can block out the negativity which I may be feeling. That is not to say negative thoughts don’t creep in during a run, bike or swim, they do. It is the way that I am able to deal with them at that time that matters.
I have to remember that they are only thoughts, of which we have about 60,000 a day. Thoughts can’t harm me, they are fleeting and most of the time they are irrelevant or they don’t interfere with my conscious thinking. Some thoughts stick and they whirl around as I try to think of processes to work my way around them. This is otherwise known in my world as ‘brain drain’ which pulls you down which tires you out mentally and physically.
This is where I am stuck now, I have thoughts in my head which I cannot work out. Thoughts of work, thoughts of my future and even thoughts about my relationship. Things that I cannot change, things that are stopping me from being me. Things which are holding me back from a purposeful life, things which are halting my recovery. Stressors as I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. You may be alarmed that I am taking about my relationship in this way and this may not make much sense but stay with me.
My relationship with my partner is not just about the two of us, but my head becomes the gooseberry in the background. It interferes with everything, attacking me. If my head is shit, so is my mood and shut down mode surfaces. I don’t want to talk (or do I), I don’t want to see her (or do I), I want time away (or do I). Too many confusing and conflicting messages which can cause the brain signal box to burn out.
I go back to where I started; exercise. For that hour, two hours, 15hrs 19, whatever it maybe I am able to be me. I am able to process things quicker, my head is clearer and I feel that I am actually a functioning human being. I am coming to the end of my 12 challenges in 12 months and it is that that has kept me relatively sane in my mad world (as well as Olly of course). At the moment I have no goal, I feel stagnant, not helped by a continuous banging head. I have been to the gym this morning just to see if that would help.
Did it? No. My ‘go to place’ let me down.
What I am learning is that such a ‘go to’ place, sport or events may not always be there for me. This is what I have to accept. Exercise may not always be the answer, and thankfully I have my writing to gobbledegook it all out. Same goes for you out there. Don’t feel frustrated, let down or a failure because of such thoughts. Reframe them and put your effort and energy into something else, this could be as simple as sitting down reading (which I will do later as Olly will be in the spa), walking or whatever you enjoy.
Don’t dwell on those thoughts, tell them to get lost (or something else). This is what I am doing.
Thinking and worrying about things gets you nowhere.
A bit like a rocking horse really.