Wednesday 16th Jan 2019 (1.39pm)
I invite anyone to live in my head for 24-48 hours to try and understand and see what goes on. Inside is a world of battle, contradiction, positive insights, negative thoughts. A world where nothing stays the same for long, a world that is continually changing and fighting for what is right and for what is best. My head can flip and change from decisive to indecisive in a split second, leaving me in a place where I do not understand. I have gone from someone who would make critical life changing/saving decisions in a professional capacity to someone who cannot decide what to have for tea. I no longer feel in control of my life and and am more than happy for others to make the most basic decisions for me. All of this feels somewhat ironic for someone who is supposedly highly intelligent (obvs) (laughs) and highly functional (so I have been told).
Unfortunately my head and the way it acts has a significant impact on others. If I don’t get it, how are those who are close to me supposed to understand? I have no answer but I know that it is difficult for them too. When I wake up I don’t know ‘what Georgie we are going to get today’. Inevitably this causes problems as I withdraw, isolate and want no contact or conversation. It’s not right I know, but I cannot change the way I am. I wish I could, but after almost 3 years of medication and therapy I am still behind in many areas where I would like to be further on. Things take time, I know, but can I change a deeply imbedded thought, behaviour or reaction?
It is always the same. One area of my life tends to go well, whilst the other side of it falls apart. It is like I cannot have equal happiness. If that even exits? I know there is no perfect world or perfect life. I am not asking for this. I just would like some stability.
Deep down, I know what is the current root cause for my stress and that is the impending decision regarding work. I have said it many times before. I cannot go back to the police force. If I am made to then I wont, and by this I mean will take the option which I have planned. Not easy to say I know, but after 3 years of stress and uncertainty I cannot be left in limbo, shackled and not being able to breathe.
Things haven’t been great recently, my mood has been low, along with my motivation and tolerance. My mind wanders as I try to engage with people, it wanders into the deep dark hole, not of self pity but of sadness and doom. Many would have no idea of this but those who know me can see it. It is all in my eyes apparently. They do not sparkle, instead they vacantly shut down as my head races and searches at speeds I cannot fathom or comprehend.
This morning I saw my GP as we discussed work and how I felt. She understands, she gets it, she knows. It was a simple question which she asked me mid conversation ‘are you ok’ which almost floored me and required me to regain some sort of composure before answering ‘yes, I am’. There are things that I need to work out, some decisions may not be easy but whatever decisions I have to make will be for me.
On the positive side I have been given the opportunity to study and do some research around neuroscience and mental health. A perfect distraction to take my mind away from reality yet doing something worthwhile, and to me enjoyable. I discussed this with my GP who agreed that it was good to have something to focus on, work towards and give me some positive outlook about the future.
I had my medication increased and need to return to see her in 2 weeks time. As for now, my battle and the fight will continue. At times all I want to do is give up but deep down I know I cant.
Why cant I? Because this cake is waiting for me.