Monday 22nd July 2019 (11.05am)
I have just realised how long it has been since I last wrote on here. Fear not, I have been putting pen to paper in my journal for something which I will blog when the time is right.
Things have been busy. I have been keeping active by running the hot and hilly marathon as part of Tenby Long Course Weekend. Under the humid conditions and stupid gradients I was happy with how it all went (picture shows me walking up one of the many massive hills). I paced it and fuelled it well with the aim of getting through it with no pain or injury. There is nothing I plan on changing with strategy as I continue through the next 15 weeks of NY training. I have two events prior to this, with Ride London coming up in 13 days time. I have massively neglected my bike in favour of running, swimming, and with a distinct lack of mojo the 100 miles from London to Surrey and back could be rather painful. I am sure I have enough in my tank to wing it on the day, well that is what I am hoping for anyway.
Since my marathon three weeks ago I feel as if my legs don’t want to spin around very quickly. They feel as if they are not moving at a rate as what they should be. Heavy and fatigued comes to mind. I have rested them for a few days and just been swimming. I plan on doing a few miles tomorrow so hoping for better things.
In terms of where I am mentally, I am not doing too bad. I saw a Psychiatrist on 19th June who reported and agreed with the diagnosis of Phobic Anxiety given by the police medical appeal board. The Psychiatrist advised that it would be in my best interests to consider a different career. No evidence was found of ADHD; however there is evidence of traits of an emotionally unstable personality.
It has taken over three years for what now appears to be the correct diagnosis and one which I actually agree with. Unfortunately nothing else can be done regarding forms of treatment or medication but finally knowing what the issue is, with agreement from two Psychiatrists helps. The only thing that will help the phobic anxiety to the workplace is not to be there. I am seeing my force medical DR (FMA) on August 6th and will await further direction as to what will happen next.
People have commented that I look and appear happier these days. Whilst I stress out about my situation and have the ability to go off the rails, from rational to suicidal in a matter of seconds, I agree that on the whole I do feel better. I am nothing like I was, yet I must accept that my mental illness and my personality will not change, it is how I now manage it, is what is my saving grace. There are many people and of course Olly around me who I thank for that.
I got myself out on Saturday evening with a meal with some others from run club. I am impressed that I said I would go and even more impressed that I turned up. I had a good time and enjoyed myself but knew when the time was right to be able to leave. I am grateful to these people who know and support me.
For now continue to plod on in my own way and in my own world. My days are not planned and at the moment I am taking things day by day. I don’t particularly like this lack of structure or routine and I am finding that I am eating way too much ice cream whilst sitting in the garden on sunny days.
Nothing wrong with that is there 🙂