Tuesday 14th January 2020 (7.24pm)
An early therapy appointment (8am) has kind of left me feeling pretty bleurgh all day. I wasn’t feeling good on my drive there with lots of negative thoughts and emotions going around in my head. I arrived, admittedly in a bit of a mess, which continued throughout my session as my brain raced at a million miles an hour thinking over recent events. Again we talked about my want to escape from the mess I have made of things personally, as well as what is going on professionally and financially. We got onto the topic of trauma, and somewhere there is something going on with me that I either don’t know about, or I have buried it and not realised, or I know about but will not admit or talk about, I guess for fear of reality and further rejection. Next session we will be doing rewind therapy to try and remove whatever it is. I left therapy in a haze of fuzz and after taking Olly out for a walk to the beach, I have tucked myself away all day. Weather has not helped. I have had no interest in doing anything.
I don’t feel that I have the help and support that I need at the moment. This has probably come out wrong, because I have friends who contact me everyday doing welfare checks, I have friends who invite me out for coffee, walks or runs. Whilst this is great and I am so thankful to these people, there is something or someone missing. And this is what I am finding hard. As I sit here typing this, Olly moves away from me feeling the emotion, his little face peering over the arm of the other chair.
I have just done the PHQ-9 test to see where I am in terms of my depression. I scored 23/27. A score above 20 indicates severe depression.
I have no idea what to do anymore.