2nd August 2020 1044pm
I lie here in bed. Eyes shut. Mind racing. Eyes open.
I will not be the only one like this tonight, many of you out there will be experiencing the same thing. You go to bed tired but then a switch within your brain activates as if it is trying to tell you something, or convey a message as you subconsciously lie there thinking. Thinking about something. Thinking about nothing.
Our brains are so complex that the 60,000 or more thoughts which go through the channels each day are processed and dealt with without us becoming aware (most of the time). Whilst most of our thoughts fly in and out of the space between our ears, some of them get stuck in the centre. Why? The ones that stick we apply meaning to. Or perhaps, emotion is a better word. Emotion is a feeling that often controls these thoughts. If I am emotional about something, thoughts remain, I ruminate, look at things from every angle, weigh up scenarios, pros and cons. I think by doing this it will make a situation easier, or the outcome, of which often we have no control over will be determined (by my thoughts). Truth is, thoughts are just thoughts. How we choose to deal with such thoughts is the key factor here. The more emotion attached to that thought, the more it sits with us.
What keeps me awake tonight? What is going around in my head? Nothing in particular. Those who have followed my blog over the last few years will have an understanding with the intellect on how my brain functions. When I am awake it does not shut off, it is capable of holding numerous conversations with itself whilst engaged in a conversation with another. Rather than shutting down the icon tabs, more just simply open. Rather than focusing on one task, I focus on many. Maybe I am so used to spinning multiple plates, I find it hard to just let one fall onto the floor? I think back to numerous conversations with my therapist about letting the plates go with promises and attempts of me doing this, but I can’t. I need structure, focus, a goal and a challenge.
Last September I started a course which has been a lifeline for me. Today I submitted my last piece of work. I am now wondering what I will do tomorrow and asking myself how I will fill my time. Tomorrow I will not be studying sports medicine, I will not be detailing illness, injury and rehabilitation, or debating medical ethics, medications and doping control. I will not be engaging with the doctors and physiotherapists on my course on a regular basis and I will not be evaluating my own progress. I will soon be awarded with my Post Graduate diploma. To obtain my Masters I need to compete year 2 which is a research project. I have ideas and aspirations for this but for two reasons (financial and my still unknown work situation) I have to temporarily park this.
For me, writing things down helps. It provides clarity, and cognitively slows the brain down. This in turn helps physiologically as heart rate and breathing also begin to regulate.
Even whilst writing this, I have put a plan together in my head for tomorrow. I had already arranged to meet friends at 0807am for a dog walk. After this I may go out on my bike, followed by another dog walk later in the evening. It’s a plan. It’s a simple plan. It is flexible. It may change. I need to know that I will be doing something. Hopefully now my brain will shut off, my eyes will stay shut and Olly won’t wake me up for a poo at 0114 like he did last night.
Remember, thoughts are just thoughts. You control them. You attach feeling and emotion to them. If they are negative they will drain you of energy. If they are negative they will determine situational outcomes. If they are negative then bin them. Reframe that brain, if there is stuff in there you don’t want, tell it to do one (or insert word).
Now get off your phone, tablet or computer, this blog, or whatever it is from keeping you awake, and go sleep. Unless you are reading this in the day at work 🤭😮