Thursday 18th March 2021 (2.07pm)
Me: Have you seen Bridgerton?
Had she said no then my theory and explanation would have been somewhat diluted. So I began by saying, The Duke of Hastings (Simon, the really good looking one), well that’s me. Not in terms of his upbringing and the treatment he received from his father, as nothing could be more different, but the way he feels in that he cannot fully give himself or commit to anyone.
The look back towards me was of somewhat recognition, perhaps no surprise (as we have been meeting for over a year). My inability (perhaps) to form attachments to people, to show feeling or demonstrate love is boxed away, but I don’t think the box is padlocked. The key just needs to be found. I have been in and out of therapy for the last 5 years and it is amazing what I have discovered about myself. It is not as if I have looked or searched for answers as I always thought things were how life was. Even now at the age of 46, I am still discovering me. Why I have problems with attachment I don’t know, but it could relate to my fear of failure, or of rejection. I have a wall of not allowing people in, as I think that I am better off with just myself and Olly taking on the world. Over the last year, I have had opportunities to pursue relationships, and when lockdown allowed, met some special people who I remain in contact with. I just don’t feel that I have the energy or emotion to give. Not at the moment anyway.
As my therapist rightly pointed out, The Duke got his happy ending.
What also makes a whole heap of sense is my recent diagnosis of sleep apnea. Excessive tiredness, even when waking up in the morning has been plaguing me for more years than I can remember. Sometimes my head hurts so much on waking that I feel like I have been kicked by a horse. My doctor has always attributed this to my level of exercise (which I have always disputed). Fitness is relative, and for me to be able to run 5 miles a day would not account for how I was feeling. I thought it was more likely due to my anti depressant medication. Sleep apnea, is something which I thought was related to overweight, older men who snore. I am not wrong here, and when I look at some of the causative factors (smoking, alcohol intake, neck circumference and certain illnesses) I do not fit the general or common criteria. I only have this is in a mild form, meaning that I have up to 15 sleep interruptions an hour (where I can stop breathing). I am waiting to see where I go from here with this, but I am not concerned. I just have to stop smoking and drinking, lose weight and start exercising. So the advice on the internet sates 😂
My exercise challenge continues and I am now 1190/2278 miles along Route 66 (since Jan 1st). I am on a 65 day streak, with 77 sessions. My body is holding up, I had a steroid injection in my knee last week and I will keep going until I physically have to have a day off.
Friday 19th March 2021 (5.39pm)
I had a medication review today via telephone with the GP practice pharmacist regarding my antidepressants. I said that I wanted to come off them. When asked why, I explained that I did not think they were of any benefit to me. With no further questioning at this point, the pharmacist agreed to reduce my dose to assist me in coming off them. Slightly baffled by this as I doubt the pharmacist had much knowledge of my 5 year diagnosed history with mental illness I went with it. It was then the pharmacist asked about my mood, to which I replied ‘shit’. I pick up my new prescription on Monday and was advised to monitor how I was feeling and contact surgery should I need to increase dose. Maybe I should have asked for something magical and happy if it is that easy to get what I want? I joke of course.