Too many tabs open

Tuesday 24th July 2018 (2.23pm)

It’s been a while since I last wrote as things have been really busy in terms of training and events. I have certainly clocked up a few miles in the pool, sea, on the bike and on my feet. I am pleased with how my training is going and the hard work is starting to show. With Ironman Wales less than 50 days away, I have a tough few weeks ahead. Physically the body is withstanding the intensity I am smashing it with (thankfully).

Mentally I feel like I am not on the same page. My head resembles a busy interchange with signals and craziness flying all over the place. Once again I have the image of Mr Messy from the Mr Men in my head, with his pink messy scribble character unwinding and unfolding so the mess becomes looser before tightening back up again. This does not go away. 

Having too may tabs open is a permanent feature of my brain which I wish I could just switch off as it scrambles around at super speed. This is not easy to live with, and my partner deserves a medal for putting up with me. My mood is erratic which I cannot explain. I hide behind my eyes as I stare into space trying to fathom out what exactly I am thinking to try and put some normality on it. When I am asked to explain, I can’t, it is too complex and I complicate things putting it into words.

I just wish I could find some stability and consistency within my brain as minute to minute it may have spun around so many times before coming back to the initial thought. I continually question what am I doing and where I am going. This applies personally as well as professionally. My partner is aware of this as together (often after I have gone off on one) we try to work out how and why. This is not easy and it is evident that I still battle with my diagnosis of a personality disorder and adjustment disorder. My last Psychiatrist said that I no longer suffer with this, but I believe it is still there. It is like I play two characters off each other, ‘nice George’ and ‘pain in the ass George’.  With the latter, I know that I am behaving or acting like an idiot but there is nothing I can do to stop it. Words come out of my mouth which I do not mean and do not want to say, yet I cannot stop it. It is the same with my actions, I back away from any closeness or attention and all I want is to be alone… but I don’t, as all I want is a hug. I agree that this all sounds off the crazy scale, but with me it is there, day in day out as I try and function with some normality. 

I am lucky to have people around me who put up with me. I am grateful that however often I push people away, they are still there. I certainly do not deserve it. I am due to see my GP Thursday, where no doubt I will discuss the above. It could be a matter of altering my medication dosage, I don’t know.

Being in limbo with my work situation does not help. Things are out of my hands as reports are prepared and decisions are made which are out of control. What is evident is that my deterioration happened the same time as the outcome of my SMP report. This is in the back of my mind as my future, which ever which way it goes will be determined, I am hoping in the next few months.

For now I continue to keep my focus on Olly and my training as this is what gives me purpose, direction and some sort of meaning.